Love me wide awake

I read a post secret postcard today that said, “I believe that the only way you can be happy is if I shut you out of my life.” I started crying before I could even completely process why. I am struggling right now to decide the course that my relationship should take. I feel neglected and alone a lot of the time. My boyfriend asked my permission to go out to lunch with a girl he works with that I know, and he knows I abhor a couple of days ago and last night a friend of mine told me that he has been going to her area every night after work to talk to her. This made my stomach hurt. I don’t know why its bothering me so much more than any of the rest of his female friends, but I honestly do not know what to do with this information. Outside of this, I see him only on the weekends, partly because of our busy schedules, but that isn’t the whole reason. As I pointed out to him when he asked me if he could go out to lunch with this girl, he doesn’t even go out to lunch with me. On the weekends, we bicker over stupid pointless things and it causes stress throughout or relationship, because he brings up our constant fighting over and over again. This weekend in particular, I spent the night at his house on Friday night, and everything was perfect. Saturday when I woke up he was watching TV and he informed me that he had to clean the house and that he was going to a bar that evening with friends. I was not invited, but that part was assumed, I’ve never been invited. Actually, I’ve never met any of his friends that I didn’t already know by any means other than coincidence. I spent two hours cleaning his kitchen in tears as I pondered the fact that the only time I had to spend with the man I love was now to be spent washing dishes that had been sitting on the counter for a week because spending time with me was not a high enough priority to cause him to clean up after himself once all week. After the house was clean, and he sensed that something was not right, we went to the mall to buy him a wallet and me a navel ring. The whole time we were at the mall and while we were eating everything was fine. The next day he text me and told me he had a midterm on Monday that he needed to study for that he forgot about. He expected me to be mad at him because I wouldn’t get to see him, but I wasn’t. I had a paper to work on, and I offered to meet him at Panera so that we could study together so that I could atleast see him for a while since I wouldn’t see him again for another week. He didn’t say anything at first, just acknowledged the offer and moved on, when asked directly if he was coming he said no. At this point I was on the verge of tears. I felt like he had no desire to see me at all. He tells me that he wants to marry me. At times he can be very affectionate, but a lot of the time I feel like I’m an extra in his life. The point at which my friend told me, not knowing that I was with him again, that he had asked this girl why she hadn’t asked him out since he obviously likes her, was the point at which I was no longer sure that I was expecting too much. I feel isolated and alone. He has no interest in my life. I write poetry, essays and short stories, have been published multiple times, and he’s never read anything I’ve written. We spend more time talking about how much we argue than we spend arguing, but he is convinced that we fight constantly. A typical argument for us is about what we should do with either party concerned that they might offend the other with their desired activity. This seems so insignificant to me, but it consumes him. He told me the other day that he wishes it could be like it was before. He wants to go back to his idealized hindsight of the first handful of dates we went on before we really knew each other well enough to fight about anything. This has created so much anxiety in me the last few days that I nearly choked Saturday from trying to keep him from knowing that I was crying in his kitchen. And Sunday, though I felt abandoned and unwanted, I tried desperately to hide this fact and cheerfully accept it when I was rebuked. I’ve been hesitant to call or text my own boyfriend for weeks because I don’t want to give him anymore reason to think we fight to much, and I don’t want to irritate him by talking to him too much. I love this man with all my heart, but I feel like he’ll never voluntarily do any of the things I need him to do in order that I would feel loved. I have been doing everything possible to avoid thinking about this for the last several weeks. I haven’t slept two nights in a row outside of his bed in weeks. I don’t know what to do. I need him, but this is hurting me right now.