Indecision

So much depends upon indecision
while
the wind winds my hair around my head
like a poor man’s crown
at once devastating and
forgotten

I lie
Tattered beyond recognition
Beside his bed
While the sky remains
Cobwebbed with night
Skittering across my life
And reminding me of his absence

He is tangled in my hair
Passing for a stranger in the car behind mine
Driving down Harlem at night

He is every white sports car I see
Found his way into my students faces
And ruined me

I no more want him inside me
Then he wanted what he put inside of me
But he is inextricably bound
To my indecision

I am to much bound to him
To much a part of his heart
To ever let him go

my secret:

I see every careful imperfection in his face
I know the hardest scars and darkest hollows of his heart.
I’ve blessed his anger, tasted his self-loathing.
I have run my finger across his pain and heeled it with my tears
For two years I cradled his child’s heart in mine
Tried to fuse his brokenness with my own
Painted him into myself
Allowed him to be my beautiful disaster
He knows my mean imperfections
Every saccharine corner of my heart
I’ve watched him look into my brokenness
To see himself reflected in my eyes
Despite everything
Despite brokenness and because of it
I would willingly pour
Myself out to fill him.
He cast me aside
Still, I would gladly give years
Of peaceful solitude for
One more
Tortured moment of his heart